Rads 4 today. And appointment with the geneticist.
She's a nice woman; I really like her. Last time, I was so over emotional that it was pretty much all I could do not to cry. This time, I was better, mostly. I felt a bit moist at one point but overcame it. The manic talking (mine) wasn't totally appropriate but, overall, an improvement I think.
So. The nitty gritty.
She can't definitively state that I have the BRCA1 gene. There WERE changes in it which are an indication that I could have it but no definite answer.
The changes in the gene are enough, however, to lead her to support preventative surgery for me if I want it. Which I do. She's done a referral to a surgeon for an oophrectomy or a hysterectomy. She did say that the chances of cervical cancer are no greater than that of the general population and of a specific type of cancer of the uterus are, given her own work so far, only 1%. While I was in with her, that led me to think, oophrectomy, but now I'm home, I've reverted to thinking hysterectomy. Give me the MAXIMUM chance of life possible.
She confirmed that I need to wait a reasonable amount of time (I've read a year) after radiotherapy for mastectomy and reconstruction. So that isn't going to happen for a while.
Lets get that uterus out then.
We also talked about I. She'd already registered that I was really worried about her, but given that she didn't have a clear answer about the gene, stated that my daughter and my neices weren't qualified for genetic testing. We talked about what checks my daughter should have and she recommended an MRI and even told me the approximate cost (£500 - £600). This is because while NHS scans will commence after she's 30, until that point any checks she has will need to be done privately. I'm going to arrange one for her and go with her at some point after we've talked about the possibility that we MAY have the BRCA1 gene. The doc also advised that while MRI scans would be offered here, that the area she lives in may not offer them. As I live here, however, it will be possible for the doc to get them provided through her. Such relief.
She also gave me some information about a long term study of this type of change to the BRCA1 gene which she'd like me to take part in. Other than a blood test, it really just involves them monitoring my medical history through my records, and doesn't much involve me. Fine by me.
On the personal front, R didn't come with me today. I half wanted him to and half didn't. I may have got to the point where I decided not to have him come on my own but it was clear that he didn't really want to so I went alone. When I got home, he actually brought the topic up despite his extreme aversion to confrontation (due to the snotty text message I'd sent him) and said I should just have told him if I wanted him to go with me. I told him that he should want to like I'd want to if it was him. In his opinion, that was me unfairly guilt tripping him. Uh. Hello. MOST partners go with their WAGs. Guess I'll be doing it pretty much on my own from now on. I don't want him with me if he doesn't want to be there.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
113 Hypochondria
Since last week (pre radio) my boob has been lumpier than usual and sore. Last night I tried to lay on it (which I've been able to do since 2 weeks after the lumpectomy) and couldn't because it hurt. Today, I've examined it and really don't know if the hardness I can feel is new or not. Oh bugger. Why the hell didn't I just get it chopped off?
I see the geneticist tomorrow. Maybe she'll advise me that I really should just have a double mastectomy and be done with it. I'm bloody sick of being scared.
I see the geneticist tomorrow. Maybe she'll advise me that I really should just have a double mastectomy and be done with it. I'm bloody sick of being scared.
112. 2 and 3
Two rads on.
The second one was slightly less intimidating. The machine appeared to buzz one time less than last time but I queried it and was assured everything was OK. No hyperventilating this time and I checked with the nurse about my 'side effects'. She was certain these were nothing to do with the radiotherapy. Maybe just being on the chemo ward with K had that effect.
Tuesday I went into school to help 2 year 12 girls who are VERY behind with their coursework. I had to leave by 3 to go to my 3rd rads. This time, I asked R to drop me off as the parking charges (at least £3 a time) will really mount up over the month. I was in a different room this time as room 7 was running very late.
My armpit had been sore since approximately lunchtime so I checked it out in the mirror when I got undressed. Nothing visible.
Again, it was over even quicker than last time. I smothered my armpit and breast in aqueous cream and put my orthopaedic bra on instead of my underwired bra as I dressed. Hopefully this will help the sore armpit.
The second one was slightly less intimidating. The machine appeared to buzz one time less than last time but I queried it and was assured everything was OK. No hyperventilating this time and I checked with the nurse about my 'side effects'. She was certain these were nothing to do with the radiotherapy. Maybe just being on the chemo ward with K had that effect.
Tuesday I went into school to help 2 year 12 girls who are VERY behind with their coursework. I had to leave by 3 to go to my 3rd rads. This time, I asked R to drop me off as the parking charges (at least £3 a time) will really mount up over the month. I was in a different room this time as room 7 was running very late.
My armpit had been sore since approximately lunchtime so I checked it out in the mirror when I got undressed. Nothing visible.
Again, it was over even quicker than last time. I smothered my armpit and breast in aqueous cream and put my orthopaedic bra on instead of my underwired bra as I dressed. Hopefully this will help the sore armpit.
111. Wine, women and song
Post rads Friday I did a big shop and went home. Bezzie friends coming to stay for the first time since I moved up North!!!!!
Fab weekend. We gossiped, bitched, slagged colleagues and shared acquaintances off, compared notes, schools, pupils and salaries. There was lots of eating, drinking and analysing.
Saturday we went to the fabulous Barter Books. I was, for a change, very restrained as I'd only just been a couple of weeks previously. The ladies loved it, predictably since we're all literary types (blue stockings, NOT!). Browsing, drinking of tea and eating. Very nice.
For dinner, we went for a lovely Indian restaurant, very local to me as I live in the Asian quarter. The laydeez were introduced to R for the first time and he was just about on his best behaviour (following many threats to his manhood if he wasn't the epitome of politeness).
Sunday entailed a trip to the Metro Centre. N and I watched as K stocked up on verrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyy expensive makeup. She has an injury to her ankle from weeks before and can barely walk, so we'd managed to get her an electric scooter which gave her mobility back and boy, did she use it.
We had a lovely Sunday evening together that was only marred slightly by N developing a severe headache that threatened to turn into a migraine. After a nap and lots of painkillers, she was OK and we chatted and stayed up late watching a movie and turning ourselves green with a Lush face-mask.
There really is NOTHING like good friends. I love you two. XXXXXXXXXXX
Fab weekend. We gossiped, bitched, slagged colleagues and shared acquaintances off, compared notes, schools, pupils and salaries. There was lots of eating, drinking and analysing.
Saturday we went to the fabulous Barter Books. I was, for a change, very restrained as I'd only just been a couple of weeks previously. The ladies loved it, predictably since we're all literary types (blue stockings, NOT!). Browsing, drinking of tea and eating. Very nice.
For dinner, we went for a lovely Indian restaurant, very local to me as I live in the Asian quarter. The laydeez were introduced to R for the first time and he was just about on his best behaviour (following many threats to his manhood if he wasn't the epitome of politeness).
Sunday entailed a trip to the Metro Centre. N and I watched as K stocked up on verrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyy expensive makeup. She has an injury to her ankle from weeks before and can barely walk, so we'd managed to get her an electric scooter which gave her mobility back and boy, did she use it.
We had a lovely Sunday evening together that was only marred slightly by N developing a severe headache that threatened to turn into a migraine. After a nap and lots of painkillers, she was OK and we chatted and stayed up late watching a movie and turning ourselves green with a Lush face-mask.
There really is NOTHING like good friends. I love you two. XXXXXXXXXXX
Friday, 18 February 2011
110. Todays the day
Well, first rads today. I'm at work, supposed to be marking but can't concentrate. I've got the attention span of a gnat and really can't focus. I'm not really sure why I bothered coming in. I think the routine is good for me. And the company. Lovely to talk to people, just mundane boring day to day stuff. Thanks folks.
Watch this space...
Well. Rads was... interesting. I was scared, I'm not ashamed to admit it. When I was in the changing room, getting into my 'rip off gown' (velcro shoulders and sides. To be pulled down to my waist once on the table) I started really panicking. When I lay on the table I was terrified. As the machine moved over me I started hyperventilating. The first time the machine buzzed (a high pitched electrical wasp) a hot flush started.
The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes. I THOUGHT I felt my breast get warm and I imagined I could smell something. Hmmm
************************************************************************************************************
As I was getting zapped, K was upstairs in chemo hell getting Herceptin. Before I went into the radiotherapy suite I'd taken her up some flowers and chocs. Afterwards, I went up to see her and we met for the first time.
I stayed 3 hours and we chatted and got on fabulously. We showed each other our scars and generally talked out the cancer, kids, partners, work and uni. It was really good. She's lovely, MUCH funnier, ballsier and lively than the impression I got by text. Fab.
************************************************************************************************************
All afternoon, after rads, I had a sicky feeling and a faintly dizzy sense of being slightly out of balance. I really, really hope this isn't a sign of side effects.
Watch this space...
Well. Rads was... interesting. I was scared, I'm not ashamed to admit it. When I was in the changing room, getting into my 'rip off gown' (velcro shoulders and sides. To be pulled down to my waist once on the table) I started really panicking. When I lay on the table I was terrified. As the machine moved over me I started hyperventilating. The first time the machine buzzed (a high pitched electrical wasp) a hot flush started.
The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes. I THOUGHT I felt my breast get warm and I imagined I could smell something. Hmmm
************************************************************************************************************
As I was getting zapped, K was upstairs in chemo hell getting Herceptin. Before I went into the radiotherapy suite I'd taken her up some flowers and chocs. Afterwards, I went up to see her and we met for the first time.
I stayed 3 hours and we chatted and got on fabulously. We showed each other our scars and generally talked out the cancer, kids, partners, work and uni. It was really good. She's lovely, MUCH funnier, ballsier and lively than the impression I got by text. Fab.
************************************************************************************************************
All afternoon, after rads, I had a sicky feeling and a faintly dizzy sense of being slightly out of balance. I really, really hope this isn't a sign of side effects.
109. Fingers crossed
What a day! Dentist first thing, to have my crown fitted and then another assessment at the radiotherapy clinic.
I duly arrived at the dentist at 9.05 for a 9.15 appointment. After sitting quaking in the waiting room for what seemed like hours but in reality was between 5 and 10 minutes, I was called in. He gave me an anaesthetic injection, which I clenched everything for despite acknowledging in the back of my mind that it didn't really hurt very much. Then almost half an hour of fiddling in my mouth and behind my back. He fitted the cap, took it out and drilled it (better than drilling in my mouth) and fitted it again. Finally, he admitted defeat and said I'd have to come back next week. The cap didn't fit. Bugger!!!
I'd got half an hour to spare so I took myself off for a consoling coffee and then made my way off to the hospital. THIS time I was in and out of the radiology room in under 20 minutes. The L shaped gantry of the radio therapy machine is massive and is very intimidating. The screen has an 'eye' that cranks open and then closes with a metallic grinding nose. It really feels as if something alien and hostile is watching. No idea what will happen when it's firing it's radioactive rays at me. All was well this time and I was told that rads could start tomorrow. Yippee! I think.
The whole thing really wasn't as bad as last time though so I was grateful when I was released earlier than I expected. I was about to leave when I checked my bag for my keys. No keys. After retracing my steps through the hospital I finally found them. Left in a loo and a nice bloke had handed them in. Phew!!!
I duly arrived at the dentist at 9.05 for a 9.15 appointment. After sitting quaking in the waiting room for what seemed like hours but in reality was between 5 and 10 minutes, I was called in. He gave me an anaesthetic injection, which I clenched everything for despite acknowledging in the back of my mind that it didn't really hurt very much. Then almost half an hour of fiddling in my mouth and behind my back. He fitted the cap, took it out and drilled it (better than drilling in my mouth) and fitted it again. Finally, he admitted defeat and said I'd have to come back next week. The cap didn't fit. Bugger!!!
I'd got half an hour to spare so I took myself off for a consoling coffee and then made my way off to the hospital. THIS time I was in and out of the radiology room in under 20 minutes. The L shaped gantry of the radio therapy machine is massive and is very intimidating. The screen has an 'eye' that cranks open and then closes with a metallic grinding nose. It really feels as if something alien and hostile is watching. No idea what will happen when it's firing it's radioactive rays at me. All was well this time and I was told that rads could start tomorrow. Yippee! I think.
The whole thing really wasn't as bad as last time though so I was grateful when I was released earlier than I expected. I was about to leave when I checked my bag for my keys. No keys. After retracing my steps through the hospital I finally found them. Left in a loo and a nice bloke had handed them in. Phew!!!
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
108. Back to normal-ish
Update: normality reigns!
I'm at work, not really teaching, but over seeing controlled assessments, which to the lay person, are mini exams. The only real difference is that they're teacher invigilated. Most of the kids in my controlled assessments are little angels and sit and work silently. The odd one or two pop their heads above the parapet but they're manageable. If only because I can send them back to their own teacher.
The other, fab, thing so far about being back was seeing my amazing year 11's (now year 12s) on Friday afternoon. I had them last lesson Fridays every other week last year and they were off the wall hyper in that lesson. I used to dread it because there were so many of them (32) and they were SO clever they could run rings around me if they chose to, which fortunately, most of the time they didn't. I was over the moon last June when I got my timetable and saw I'd got them for A Level English Language. Lucky bloody supply, getting them. I'm very jealous of her. They're MY kids. Anyway, I digress. C, the supply, was off Friday afternoon and I covered for her. The kids were SO pleased to see me I nearly cried. We had a chat and a muck around and then I insisted we did a little work. J, who was in my form last year and in my English group is as nuts and self obsessed as ever. S, the clever gay boy is prettier than ever and still getting bullied by his little pack of learner fag hags.
At the end of the lesson, they insisted I follow our old tradition of a music video to end the lesson (last year it was bribery to get them to finish their work on time). We listened to the new Lady Gaga single and discussed it (it's crap). Fab to be back!
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Underneath the distraction of the kids, I'm worrying about my initial radiology appointment. As my daughter said when I spoke to her last week, the longer they leave it, the longer anything (e.g. cancer) in there has to grow and spread. My boob is lumpy in one area and although I know this is probably ordinary breast tissue (ducts) in the back of my mind the whole time is the concern that another tumour could be growing and I won't be able to tell until its bigger than a centimetre (because that is on average how big the lumpy bits in my boobs are).
I'm at work, not really teaching, but over seeing controlled assessments, which to the lay person, are mini exams. The only real difference is that they're teacher invigilated. Most of the kids in my controlled assessments are little angels and sit and work silently. The odd one or two pop their heads above the parapet but they're manageable. If only because I can send them back to their own teacher.
The other, fab, thing so far about being back was seeing my amazing year 11's (now year 12s) on Friday afternoon. I had them last lesson Fridays every other week last year and they were off the wall hyper in that lesson. I used to dread it because there were so many of them (32) and they were SO clever they could run rings around me if they chose to, which fortunately, most of the time they didn't. I was over the moon last June when I got my timetable and saw I'd got them for A Level English Language. Lucky bloody supply, getting them. I'm very jealous of her. They're MY kids. Anyway, I digress. C, the supply, was off Friday afternoon and I covered for her. The kids were SO pleased to see me I nearly cried. We had a chat and a muck around and then I insisted we did a little work. J, who was in my form last year and in my English group is as nuts and self obsessed as ever. S, the clever gay boy is prettier than ever and still getting bullied by his little pack of learner fag hags.
At the end of the lesson, they insisted I follow our old tradition of a music video to end the lesson (last year it was bribery to get them to finish their work on time). We listened to the new Lady Gaga single and discussed it (it's crap). Fab to be back!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Underneath the distraction of the kids, I'm worrying about my initial radiology appointment. As my daughter said when I spoke to her last week, the longer they leave it, the longer anything (e.g. cancer) in there has to grow and spread. My boob is lumpy in one area and although I know this is probably ordinary breast tissue (ducts) in the back of my mind the whole time is the concern that another tumour could be growing and I won't be able to tell until its bigger than a centimetre (because that is on average how big the lumpy bits in my boobs are).
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