So I've been reflecting on chemo so far. The things I hate are:
1 Seeing it put in. The sight of the red chemical is almost enough to make me vomit.
2 The chemo suite. I hate it. Really bad associations.
3 The nausea and sickness. Obviously.
4 The way the chemicals make my head feel. I feel swimmy and not like me. I get some sort of disorientating dizziness. Never again will I take anything willingly that alters my state of mind.
5 The way I have to be in bed for days afterwards. I suppose, strictly speaking, I don't have to be, but the only place I have any sense of comfort or normality is in bed.
6 The fear I feel before I have it. It terrifies me.
7 The sense that they are filling my body with poisons. Which they are.
Strangely enough, other things don't bother me. I don't really care about being bald although I do hate having to wear something on my head. I'm not too fussed about the ulcers that are trying to form at the corners of my mouth, or about my tongue feeling burned all the time. I don't really care anymore about my lack of libido (although, actually, it's come back for the time being) or even about other sensitive areas being a bit sore (I'm trying to keep this polite). Dry skin is no more than a passing irritation. The phlebitis is slightly annoying and I do worry I'll develop a clot from it but as far as my tolerance of it goes, it's OK. I don't actually like my boob being scarred and a different size and shape to the other one, but I can put up with it. Even the operation itself was OK. I think the upshot really is (so far) that I can cope with most things when I'm not actually at the hospital having chemo administered and the 48 hours immediately afterwards.
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