118. Bad news but not mine…

The support group on the Breast Cancer Care site that I belong to has been invaluable to me. They’ve supported me, advised me and made me laugh. They’ve also provided me with K, a great new friend. I don’t use the site quite as much as I did at first though. As I’ve grown in confidence and got used to my diagnosis, I’ve stopped centering my whole life around cancer and have reintroduced a lot of my old habits and pastimes. Most of the women from the site are also on FB though, so even when I’m not on the BCC site, I keep up to date with them.

Imagine the scene; staffroom Monday morning, bustle of staff preparing for the week ahead, a pile of marking that I was avoiding by having a brief internet surf. Emails, blog, FB. At the top of the Facebook status updates, one from a support group member letting us know her breast cancer has spread to her lungs.

Everything stops. Suddenly, I’m in a bubble. The sounds around me have vanished. I’m on my own in that room. Cancer spread. After chemo. Post radio therapy. She was clear. Or at least she thought she was clear when we met up in December. She has a five year old. Oh god. I read down the responses to her update. Everyone is offering support, consoling, encouraging her to talk to them. And I don’t know what to say. I feel awful for her. The thought of leaving a young child is devastating. But, and this is a really big, selfish, embarrassing to admit to, but. I’m not just thinking of her. Her news has made me think of myself. Which equally makes me think about how bloody selfish it is that I should turn her bad news on myself. I’m scared that mine could have spread without me knowing about it. I haven’t had an MRI, which is the scan that would pick up cancer elsewhere. I could have it anywhere and not know.

Everyone that has cancer hates it. That’s obvious and I don’t need to say it really. I of all people should know that a writer really shouldn’t write the obvious. If it’s obvious, it’s unnecessary. But while it’s obvious that everyone hates cancer, what I really really fucking hate is the way the FEAR of cancer controls us. I’m so frightened that her news could be mine that I can’t just think of her. I’m thinking about myself too.