Went out Friday with S. Haven’t seen her for ages so it was nice to catch up. I definitely noticed that I don’t have a lot to talk about anymore. Because I don’t do much, I have no news! She has offered to come to my plastics appointment with me though, which is fantastic now R has lost interest.
Didn’t go anywhere or do anything over the weekend other than driving to Tynemouth for a couple of hours. I really must be more proactive and just go off and do stuff myself. R WAS being very nice to me and appeared to be quite contrite for being thoughtless last week and on the surface we’re getting along OK but I have a definite feeling that it’s just borrowed time now. I really wish I was up to making a decision about him but…
Appointment with the surgeon for a follow up today. I’d got a list of things to talk about, including pain in my boob in 3 different places, pain in my chest bone/ribcage/collar bone, and a couple of lumps. I didn’t bother asking or even mentioning it to R because, frankly, after his disinterest last time I didn’t want another rejection. I went home the night before so there wouldn’t be any awkwardness the next morning; not to benefit him, but to reduce the stress for me.
I was fine on the metro and walking to the hospital. I was even fine going into the clinic. While I was waiting there though, I looked around. I was the only one in there on her own. All the other women had male partners with them. At radiotherapy everyone has someone with them (although I’m not bothered about radio – it’s worry free, other than the parking). I started feeling a little vulnerable and lonely but tried to read my book. No concentration though. And then I felt my stomach start to turn over. And worse, I felt my mind and resolve turn mushy and my concentration go. Unfortunately, I know that feeling only too well. It leaves me pathetic and unable to fight my corner; exactly what I didn’t need in that bloody consulting room. Which is why it's important to take someone with me.
Sure enough, I went in, undressed, lay down and let him examine me. I made a half hearted comment about lumpiness but didn’t insist he feel exactly in the area that I was worried about or ask if he could feel it with me sitting up (which is how I check my boobs and how the lump was obvious). I tried to talk to him about which referrals had been done but didn’t take in everything he said and was confused and unclear in my explanations. I DID manage to ask him about the pain, told him I’d had it for 5 or 6 weeks and he told me to keep an eye on it and go to the GP or contact the clinic if I was worried. He also said I needed to reduce my weight and to be less concerned with risk reducing surgery as I was more at risk from the cancer I’d already had than the cancer linked to my genetic risk.
I’m just confused in general now. I don’t know if the lumps I have are OK or not. Is the pain I’m getting normal? I don’t know who I see about a mastectomy and whether they are also responsible for reconstruction or if plastics do both or two different surgeons. I’m not sure if the referral has been done to gynaecology for oophrectomy or hysterectomy. I also don’t know what to do about R. There doesn’t seem much point in having a ‘fair weather’ partner but I’ve got so much other stuff going on, I don’t know if I’m up to sorting stuff out with him, one way or the other.
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