86. Countdown to hell

Oh god, oh god.  Chemo tomorrow.  I could cry, but I'm not.  Trying not to think about it.  I'm scared.  It makes me feel sick.  I feel as if I'm not strong enough to do it.  PLEASE give me some strength from somewhere. 

I want the chemo.   I want all the fucking cancer cells to die.  I'm trying hard to be able to visualise them being blasted.  If I could do that while I'm getting it, it would probably help.  A lot of my reaction last time was psychological.  We need a chemo CD to listen to, in the way I used to have a 'Give yourself confidence' CD to get me through lesson observations. 

Those syringes are so big.  The very thought of them makes me sweat with fear.  Help!

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Prechemo checklist

5 different types of anti sickness medication to hand
Pain killers ready
Asthma inhaler available
Laxatives there in case of need
Lemon Barley squash ready
Clean nightie
Dressing gown
Slippers
Changed duvet cover and sheets

Basically, everything needs to be done for the next 2/3 days in case I'm not up to doing anything.  I've wrapped most of my Christmas presents, need to put credit on my phone, have clothes ready in case I'm up to getting out of bed.  I know I'll have forgotten something and that will be the very thing I need.

85. Wobble

It's only hours since my last post.  It's 6am though and I'm having a bit of a wobble.  Two reasons.  That two year thing keeps going through my head.  For two years I've got to be excessively vigilant and check religiously for lumps (well, forever really but...).  For two years I'm going to be terrified.  And I'm really, really tired of being scared all the time.  While I'm scared I'm not having a proper life and if this is all the life I've got left I don't want to waste it being scared. 

I'm also wobbly because my daughter misses me and I'm not there.  I feel really guilty that I'm ill and she can't see me, although I don't want her to see me being ill after chemo.  I feel even more guilty that I might die and leave her.  I've been crying for an hour now and writing this has set me off even more.  Bugger. This really is SHIT.

84. Forging ahead

North East Breast Buddies Christmas jolly today.  I met the ladies online first.  There is a north east thread on there and I've made a few friends.  The one I'm in contact with the most, K, wasn't able to come because she's been hit so hard with exhaustion from chemo.  I was quite apprehensive, meeting up with people I'd never met in person before but it was OK.  They're a really nice bunch of ladies.  Very varied in age from young to 60ish.  I was shocked at how young one girl was.  She was triple negative (cancer not responsive to hormones, makes up approx. 10/15% of breast cancer.  Unfortunately, higher death rate too) as well, as was one other woman.  It was good to meet other people with the same diagnosis but scary too because they had more information than I do and some of it was not positive.  I listened for a bit but then had to zone out because I was getting overloaded with frightening info.  One thing that I did notice was that most of them have a lot more information about their cancer than I do.  I'm quite capable of finding this info for myself if I want it, but despite what everyone says, I'm really just not brave enough.  Those women were; brave I mean.  They even knew their chances of survival.  I'm not sure I want to know.  I would like to be as brave as them though. 

One woman there had breast cancer 12 years ago, grade one, stage one and has recently had a recurrence, grade 3 this time.  12 years is a good survival rate.  I'd like that.  57 is a much better life span than 45.  My daughter would be 37, hopefully married with kids and able to cope much better with losing me. 

It was lovely to see them but a bit of a reality check too.  I'm now part of a club that NO ONE ever wants to join.  At one point, I felt like crying.  Managed not to though.  Most of them have young kids and in comparison, I should feel grateful that my child is an adult (told me this morning that she's feeling happy and stable now, yippee!!!!) and independent of me.  I can go if I have too. 

Off to buy yet another bra today.  I WANTED the red sexy bra but settled for my usual, satin plunge, in black.  It wasn't the mangled boob that put me off buying the sexy red number, it's now my weight gain.  My midriff is expanding daily, or at least that's how it feels.  I can't feel attractive while it is.  I SHOULD.  If I don't, I should make efforts to feel better about myself.  Chemo 5 Thursday.  If I'm not too ill afterwards, I'm restarting my gym membership.  At least I'd feel as if I was trying to help myself if I was getting some exercise.  At the moment I feel like a fat, lethargic lump.

I'm still all up in the air about what sort of scan to have done privately on my much examined lump.  S said whole body MRI.  Today though, a couple of the women said that MRI scans are known for giving false positive results.  So maybe an ultrasound or a mammogram WOULD be better.  I'm checking with S.  He's the nearest thing I know to an expert, although I may ring the breast care nurse too.  Although, as she hasn't answered my email yet, I'm not sure if I'll get a response.

83. Relating

It's been a funny old week.  Have been staying at R's because my hot water hasn't been fixed yet. It's been out for a month now; actually, OVER a month.  Crap landladies, totally irresponsible.  They know I've got cancer and am having chemo therapy and STILL are dragging their feet sorting it out.  Totally inhumane.  R and I have been getting on OK.  His son has finally split up with his girlfriend, so conditions chez R are much more bearable.  Less mess, noise and disruption.  We've had some time on our own, which has been really nice too.

The sex drought appears to be over, thank goodness.  NOT my fault this time.  He had seemed totally disinterested for a fair while but is back in the saddle again.  I was a bit concerned but wasn't going to spend time sweating it.  Bigger things on my mind (What?  I hear you ask).  Anyway, while we were, um, you know, this time, my nightcap thingy came off.  It was dark and he told me not to worry about it.  I was a bit self conscious, given that when my hair first fell out he decided he didn't want to see me bald, but I WAS otherwise distracted.  He didn't seem bothered, and after a rather tentative pat, actually started stroking and caressing my head. It was lovely.  Very accepting.  Affectionate and weirdly erotic.  He did it again the next time too.  Nice feeling and made me feel much closer to him as well.  Small steps. 

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Out today with S.  We went to a Christmas market in North Shields.  It was nice.  Lots of stalls; mainly food related but a few giftie places too.  The only thing I bought was vodka.  Chocolate vodka for I and rhubarb for me.  Lush.

82. Stats

I can feel another period of reflection coming on.  But I will spare you for now. 

Here are this weeks stats.  As always, I'm honoured to have so many readers.  Thanks.

United Kingdom 72

United States 18

Spain 9

Cyprus 4

Russia 3

Germany 1

Denmark 1

France 1

Croatia 1

Vietnam 1

81. What DO I think? (apologies for the foul language)

Well.  I may, or may not have mentioned that I've been online on a site called Breast Cancer Care.  Great site.  LOTS of information and online forums, where you can chat to others in a similar situation.  So I'm on 2 forums.  One is a North East group which is great.  Women in the area with or who have had breast cancer. We're meeting up, in person next Monday.  Fab!   I've met a girl on there, K, who is just a week or so behind me in treatment and who goes to the same hospital.  We have the same nurse for a favourite and BOTH hate fucking chemo.  Although, that's a stupid statement.  NO ONE likes chemo.  We're nearish in age, although she's younger than me.  Which is rare.  Breast cancer is an old women's disease on the whole.  The downside of this is when it does strike prior to menopause it is frequently fatal.

Anyway.   The other forum I'm in is for those who started chemo in September.  This is good too because we're all feeling like shit at the same time.  The really good thing about this forum is that everyone I talk to on there GETS how fucking awful chemo is.  Civilians aka non chemo sufferers don't.  End of.  OK, OK, arrogant I know, but it's true.  Very kind, loving, well meaning friends make statements like 'Only 2 to go.'  Uh huh.  Those near and dear (OK, the boyfriend) make truly fucking stupid comparisons between other illnesses (minor) and medications (virtually over the bloody counter - well, maybe not, BUT) that scream ignorance of the hell that chemo is.  I described it yesterday to a friend as being pumped full (there is LOADS of the stuff to be injected) of poison so strong it can cause acid burns if it gets on the skin.  And this is true.  The bloody nurse wears GOGGLES for fucks sake.  Making myself sit still while ever fibre of my being is terrified and screaming NOOOO, it's going to kill you, it's poison.  My head feeling as if it's swelling and shrinking alternately, swimming, fading in and out.  Feeling as if I'm going to vomit, in front of 20 or 30 people any moment.  Hot flushes, shivering fits.    Um, sorry, as I was saying before I got sidetracked into a rant, the women on the site KNOW.  They're doing it.  And how great to moan or share or just not feel alone in the hell and the terror for once. 

The downside to this great site is, however, also one of its positives.  Information.  Loads of it backed up with other peoples accounts and experiences.  One of the things I'm learning is that my cancer, triple negative (meaning not affected by any hormone) is often fatal.  As it isn't affected by hormones, there is no treatment beyond chemo and radio therapy.  It also has a 2 year window.  If it hasn't recurred in this 2 year period, survival chances go up.  I read somewhere today that it recurs less than other types of breast cancer, BUT this may have been anecdotal.  I had to stop reading at that point.  Information overload. 

The other cancer related thing I did today was contact a private breast screening company.  They offer 4 types of scans, mammography, ultrasound, MRI and something called a Digital Infrared scan.  I found the site by accident but read the home page and FAQ.  It appeared that they were willing to scan pre diagnosed women.  What can I lose?  I emailed.  Big deal.  It's just, that lump.  The 'harmless' one that's been felt by 4 different medical professionals.  It's also the pain in my collar bone that is really just a niggle, but...  Anyway.  I emailed this morning.  They haven't replied yet.

80. Urrrrrgggghhhh

I feel like SHIT.  Before you think this is a cancer moan, it isn't (yippee!).  I have a cold.  Head.  Chest.  Lack of energy.  Scratchy throat.  Racking cough.  I went to bed early because I felt crappy but couldn't sleep.  Read till 2am, got up, had a drink and a cough, went back to bed, read some more.  Finally, finally, fell asleep about 3/4am.  Up at 6 for a drink.  Bloke woke up at 8.30.  Finally managed to drag myself downstairs by 11.  Oh well.  It ain't life threatening.  Although if I get a temperature it could be.  Meh.

79. Sisters

Snow's still here.  Lots of it.  I actually went out in it yesterday. It's OK where it's compacted and hard but the soft stuff is difficult to walk in.  A bit like sand.  Which I suppose makes sense, given that a lot of what's on the ground started out as hail.

Nice day.  Wife of a friend of R's met me in town.  We went round the shops.  She bought some lovely boots.  Had lunch and a great chat.  I really like her, she's warm, caring and kind.  Funny too and can talk the hind leg off a donkey, which is great, because I clam up at times. 

I'm still feeling OK although I do seem to be developing a cold.  Will phone the chemo ward and see if I need to do anything extra.  I also have, I don't know what to call them; niggling aches and pains.  I've had pains in my boob and also in my collar bone above my boob.  Could be nothing.  Could be bone cancer.  Never again will I be able to just ignore anything minor.  In the back of my head now, it could always, conceivably, be life threatening.  I could moan about it, but given how well I'm feeling I won't.

Oh, oh, oh!  I've met a lovely group of ladies online through the Breast Cancer Care website forums.  I've been chatting with a girl younger than me, K, who lives fairly locally and have also been in touch with other women in the area.  They meet up every so often and are out on Dec. 13th so I'm going to meet them.  How nice!  And how helpful, knowing other people that are going through the same thing.  K is also having chemo at the Freeman and her nurse of choice is also G.  She is approximately 2 weeks behind me in treatment so we're at almost exactly the same stage.  Talking to them has made me grateful that I'm not having more problems than I am.  Nothing like a bit of perspective.

UPDATE:

Cold is developing.  I feel like crap.  Meant to be going to Durham tomorrow with S.  I really hope I feel better than this.  Good nights sleep needed I think.