Well. I may, or may not have mentioned that I've been online on a site called Breast Cancer Care. Great site. LOTS of information and online forums, where you can chat to others in a similar situation. So I'm on 2 forums. One is a North East group which is great. Women in the area with or who have had breast cancer. We're meeting up, in person next Monday. Fab! I've met a girl on there, K, who is just a week or so behind me in treatment and who goes to the same hospital. We have the same nurse for a favourite and BOTH hate fucking chemo. Although, that's a stupid statement. NO ONE likes chemo. We're nearish in age, although she's younger than me. Which is rare. Breast cancer is an old women's disease on the whole. The downside of this is when it does strike prior to menopause it is frequently fatal.
Anyway. The other forum I'm in is for those who started chemo in September. This is good too because we're all feeling like shit at the same time. The really good thing about this forum is that everyone I talk to on there GETS how fucking awful chemo is. Civilians aka non chemo sufferers don't. End of. OK, OK, arrogant I know, but it's true. Very kind, loving, well meaning friends make statements like 'Only 2 to go.' Uh huh. Those near and dear (OK, the boyfriend) make truly fucking stupid comparisons between other illnesses (minor) and medications (virtually over the bloody counter - well, maybe not, BUT) that scream ignorance of the hell that chemo is. I described it yesterday to a friend as being pumped full (there is LOADS of the stuff to be injected) of poison so strong it can cause acid burns if it gets on the skin. And this is true. The bloody nurse wears GOGGLES for fucks sake. Making myself sit still while ever fibre of my being is terrified and screaming NOOOO, it's going to kill you, it's poison. My head feeling as if it's swelling and shrinking alternately, swimming, fading in and out. Feeling as if I'm going to vomit, in front of 20 or 30 people any moment. Hot flushes, shivering fits. Um, sorry, as I was saying before I got sidetracked into a rant, the women on the site KNOW. They're doing it. And how great to moan or share or just not feel alone in the hell and the terror for once.
The downside to this great site is, however, also one of its positives. Information. Loads of it backed up with other peoples accounts and experiences. One of the things I'm learning is that my cancer, triple negative (meaning not affected by any hormone) is often fatal. As it isn't affected by hormones, there is no treatment beyond chemo and radio therapy. It also has a 2 year window. If it hasn't recurred in this 2 year period, survival chances go up. I read somewhere today that it recurs less than other types of breast cancer, BUT this may have been anecdotal. I had to stop reading at that point. Information overload.
The other cancer related thing I did today was contact a private breast screening company. They offer 4 types of scans, mammography, ultrasound, MRI and something called a Digital Infrared scan. I found the site by accident but read the home page and FAQ. It appeared that they were willing to scan pre diagnosed women. What can I lose? I emailed. Big deal. It's just, that lump. The 'harmless' one that's been felt by 4 different medical professionals. It's also the pain in my collar bone that is really just a niggle, but... Anyway. I emailed this morning. They haven't replied yet.
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