86. Countdown to hell

Oh god, oh god.  Chemo tomorrow.  I could cry, but I'm not.  Trying not to think about it.  I'm scared.  It makes me feel sick.  I feel as if I'm not strong enough to do it.  PLEASE give me some strength from somewhere. 

I want the chemo.   I want all the fucking cancer cells to die.  I'm trying hard to be able to visualise them being blasted.  If I could do that while I'm getting it, it would probably help.  A lot of my reaction last time was psychological.  We need a chemo CD to listen to, in the way I used to have a 'Give yourself confidence' CD to get me through lesson observations. 

Those syringes are so big.  The very thought of them makes me sweat with fear.  Help!

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Prechemo checklist

5 different types of anti sickness medication to hand
Pain killers ready
Asthma inhaler available
Laxatives there in case of need
Lemon Barley squash ready
Clean nightie
Dressing gown
Slippers
Changed duvet cover and sheets

Basically, everything needs to be done for the next 2/3 days in case I'm not up to doing anything.  I've wrapped most of my Christmas presents, need to put credit on my phone, have clothes ready in case I'm up to getting out of bed.  I know I'll have forgotten something and that will be the very thing I need.