North East Breast Buddies Christmas jolly today. I met the ladies online first. There is a north east thread on there and I've made a few friends. The one I'm in contact with the most, K, wasn't able to come because she's been hit so hard with exhaustion from chemo. I was quite apprehensive, meeting up with people I'd never met in person before but it was OK. They're a really nice bunch of ladies. Very varied in age from young to 60ish. I was shocked at how young one girl was. She was triple negative (cancer not responsive to hormones, makes up approx. 10/15% of breast cancer. Unfortunately, higher death rate too) as well, as was one other woman. It was good to meet other people with the same diagnosis but scary too because they had more information than I do and some of it was not positive. I listened for a bit but then had to zone out because I was getting overloaded with frightening info. One thing that I did notice was that most of them have a lot more information about their cancer than I do. I'm quite capable of finding this info for myself if I want it, but despite what everyone says, I'm really just not brave enough. Those women were; brave I mean. They even knew their chances of survival. I'm not sure I want to know. I would like to be as brave as them though.
One woman there had breast cancer 12 years ago, grade one, stage one and has recently had a recurrence, grade 3 this time. 12 years is a good survival rate. I'd like that. 57 is a much better life span than 45. My daughter would be 37, hopefully married with kids and able to cope much better with losing me.
It was lovely to see them but a bit of a reality check too. I'm now part of a club that NO ONE ever wants to join. At one point, I felt like crying. Managed not to though. Most of them have young kids and in comparison, I should feel grateful that my child is an adult (told me this morning that she's feeling happy and stable now, yippee!!!!) and independent of me. I can go if I have too.
Off to buy yet another bra today. I WANTED the red sexy bra but settled for my usual, satin plunge, in black. It wasn't the mangled boob that put me off buying the sexy red number, it's now my weight gain. My midriff is expanding daily, or at least that's how it feels. I can't feel attractive while it is. I SHOULD. If I don't, I should make efforts to feel better about myself. Chemo 5 Thursday. If I'm not too ill afterwards, I'm restarting my gym membership. At least I'd feel as if I was trying to help myself if I was getting some exercise. At the moment I feel like a fat, lethargic lump.
I'm still all up in the air about what sort of scan to have done privately on my much examined lump. S said whole body MRI. Today though, a couple of the women said that MRI scans are known for giving false positive results. So maybe an ultrasound or a mammogram WOULD be better. I'm checking with S. He's the nearest thing I know to an expert, although I may ring the breast care nurse too. Although, as she hasn't answered my email yet, I'm not sure if I'll get a response.
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