104. Girl Power

So overall, last week was a bit of a shit week. Radiology: delayed. Blood tests: revealed cancer gene. Boyfriend: no sign or word. Friends: fab!

But. I'm shocked. R HAS been ill. Not so ill though that a sympathetic phone call or message could have been made. I think that maybe I’m facing what other women going through this have suffered before; male cowardice. Before I’m drowned with howls of protest, I acknowledge that the majority of men stand by their partners and indeed are rocks of strength and support.  Not in my case maybe.

I HAVE thought about how I’d feel if he were going through something similar. I know it would be hard. I’m not sure I’d want to become his carer. I did it for an ex that was very ill and I don’t really want to do it again. So maybe I understand.

The sexual issue has to be addressed as well. A woman without breasts and a uterus. I don’t know if I can be sexual if I have both surgeries. I’d like to think I can get through it as a sexual being but… The girl that I know that is doing the same thing is 15 years younger than me. I don’t know, but I’m assuming that she and her husband will have a normal marital relationship. It says a lot about my relationship that I can’t imagine the same.

Without going into huge detail though, I’m going to state the obvious. If he can’t support me in my darkest hours, I don’t want to be with him. And although it may sound arrogant, if he isn’t able to do this with me, then he isn’t good enough for me.