I feel a bit weird writing this (have a feeling it will be in real depth) because on the surface not much other than chemo is happening and yet I feel my head is full of cancer related stuff.
Chronologically recently I have:
1) Had total hair loss – am bald now
2) Undergone my 2nd chemo - fucking awful
3) Seen the geneticist – head fuck
4) Been experiencing sexual issues – nothing new there then
Will tackle these in order.
Hair Loss
When my hair started dropping out, I got R to clip it short. This was liberating and made me feel AMAZING. Hair is an issue for women. Naively never realised it before. Cutting it off was like saying fuck you to the world.
When the clipped hair got too sparse, however, that was anything but liberating. I started wearing scarves because I don’t like the hypocrisy of pretending I’ve got hair when I don’t really. On balance, I’m glad I’ve got a wig, because it’s there if I want to blend in but overall, I’d rather not pretend. Wearing something on your head all the time is however oppressive. Sorry to all the Muslim ladies out there, but it is. The weight. The readjusting. The pressure. And seeing myself with concentration camp sparse hair was awful. A slap in the face every time I looked in the mirror.
After I’d got over chemo, I took the bull by the horns and clipped it to nearly invisible. Better but still a shock. I WANT to embrace being bald. It too could be freeing. But I’m not there yet. Not to mention it’s cold.
2nd Chemo
Tripped along to the hospital, relatively blithely. Slightly apprehensive because I was worried it would get worse each time but overall, ok.
Didn’t like the 2nd male nurse I got. I want a woman, ok? Someone fat and comforting. Once he got started though it wasn’t too bad. He went to school in Suffolk so we had a nice chat and I felt like a person not a number despite the huge workload he had.
Out to lunch afterwards to celebrate. Mistake. Within 4 hours I’d been sick for the first time. I felt awful. I was sick every hour for the next 24-36 hours. Headache. Dizzy. Shaky. Hot and cold flushes. Shivering. My throat was sore and swelling from throwing up bile. Couldn’t keep water down, couldn’t keep the anti-sickness drugs down.
The following two days I felt human again although I couldn’t eat or get out of bed. After I’d stopped vomiting I asked R to take me home because his son was mixing ‘music’ upstairs, loudly and I thought either my head or my stomach would burst. I DID feel fractionally better at home, probably because in the quiet I could nap when I wanted to.
Geneticist
I wanted this and yet when the letters came put off booking it. Finally got round to it.
Lovely lady. Went through my family history. The thing that stood out to me was despite my blithely assuming that we had little cancer risk in my family, that we have actually had a lot of it. For such a small family.
She particularly picked out my uncle (lymphoma or some lymph node related disease) and my granddad (prostate). Although she’s not sure yet, she thinks we have a faulty gene handed down my father’s side of the family. If it is this, it could benefit me, because she can tailor my treatment exactly to what is needed for my cancer.
At the time this was just a lot of information to take in. I was only doing it to protect I. Later, though, I began mulling it over. Far from NOT being at risk of breast cancer, I should have been screened for the faulty gene and offered regular mammograms once I was past 30. And possibly preventative surgery. Instead, I’m sitting here post op, in intensive chemo, with radio therapy ahead, worrying that I may not survive more than the next 2 or 3 years.
Sex
I haven’t had a period since my first chemo, over a month ago. I think I was warned chemo could induce the menopause but it didn’t really register. I’m way past wanting to reproduce and have been having hot flushes for years anyway. I hadn’t really considered the effect menopause would have on my libido though. Since the 2nd chemo, I’ve had none, whatsoever. But that could be down to the severity of how ill I felt.
The other sexual angle I was worried about was the effect on R of my hair loss. I’m having problems dealing with it so I don’t blame him if he is.
The plus side of all of this SHIT is that we are closer, so now I’m feeling better again, sex was an option. I was reluctant to initiate it but he didn’t make any move so I did. He took a bit of coaxing, but rather than letting his, um, lack of response, hurt my feelings, I decided to go with it. And it was amazing. It’s always been good but it was fantastic, better than usual. And had the added benefit of boosting both of our egos. So now I’m hoping that THAT issue is out of the way.
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