Oncologist appointment tomorrow. I didn't think I'd be nervous, and consciously I'm not, but underneath I obviously am anxious. I'm hyped up and quite over emotional, although thankfully I'm managing to control it at work. S is very emotional at the moment and looks as if she'll go into labour at any moment. T was off work yesterday with suspected concussion and L is looking very ropey this morning. In comparison, I suppose I'm doing quite well! Two kids that I stayed behind with last night to do coursework catchup asked if they could visit me while I was off. I was really touched by how sweet they were but no. Against the rules. Still, nice sentiment.
My boob is still very lumpy. Most of the time I ignore it, but when I stretch or try to lay on it, it demands I pay attention. It feels, weird, I suppose is the closest I can get; as if there is something in my bra, or the way I imagine an implant feels. The area where I thought I'd found the second lump feels gristly now. When I manipulate it, it doesn't feel like a lump any more; more like a piece of muscle or sinew. Definitely not fat though, which was what the radiologist said it was. The nipple is still sensitive, although it still has enough of an alien boob feel to have no sexual connotations to the sensation whatsoever.
Don't know whether to look forward to tomorrow's appointment or not. On one hand, the sooner I start chemo the sooner my treatment will be over. On the other hand, I'm really scared I'm going to hear that my cancer has a really high chance of returning. I DON'T want to hear that, although I think it most of the time. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm a natural pessimist. I tend to think negatively unless I get positive feedback from others; which I need fairly regularly or I revert to my miserable thought pattern. I SHOULD be glad they think the cancer is all gone. Instead I can't help thinking that it will come back and I'll be one of those people that spend vast amounts of whatever life they have remaining getting different treatments and operations.
Arggggggghhhhhh. Normality again PLEASE.
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