44.

Still not feeling good.  I half thought Sunday evening that I may not be able to go into work, so texted my HOD.  By Monday morning though, I felt a little better so forced myself up and out. 

Still not sure if it was a good choice or not.  I only just coped with the kids and ended up having to leave early.  Went to the gym with A later which helped a bit.  I'm starting to feel as if I'm walking around inside a bubble; everyone else on the outside, me on the inside.  I can see and pretty much hear them but there is no connection or communication at all. 

Later, S insisted that I must phone the hospital, to get a date for my chemo to start.  This has been preying on my mind too, so I didn't mind the nagging.  Much easier said than done though.  This morning, I phoned the hospital.  I talked to 6 different departments, no one really seemed to know who my consultant was.  Turned out he was someone I've never seen and never heard of.  This in itself makes me anxious.  I haven't seen the same nurse, doctor or consultant more than twice.  One of the nurses I spoke to this morning told me she'd never heard of the doctor/consultant I saw last week.  It really is starting to demonstrate to me why the patients at the Nuffield were so keen to have their chemo there.  Same consultant, same nurses, same admin staff. 

However.  Despite having a follow up date for the tracking of the side effects of my chemo, I still have no date for the start of my treatment.  I've been promised a phone call later today with an appointment but I'm not confident.

And now I don't feel capable of working, yet again.  Something I read at the weekend detailed the plight of cancer patients in the US who have no/insufficient insurance.  It was horrible and while I was reading made me reassess my luck in being British.  I don't feel very lucky at the moment though.  I feel scared.  Most people I've talked to have mentioned the speed at which they've been treated.  Cancer was seen as dangerous and requiring fast treatment.  I feel exactly the way I felt when I was waiting for my surgery.  Worried that waiting so long is going to cause the cancer to grown/regrow unchecked.