Well. I don't know whether to write a positive blog or not. I suppose I should but as always, default setting has returned to negative.
The sickness is passing (day 5 of chemo) but the tiredness is ramping up. Ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. Not much of any but normal eating-ish. Don't think I actually slept all day although I did a lot of lolling around. Resting sitting up is a bit easier, yesterday (Sunday) I had to lie down. Lying down isn't too good because my dodgy sinuses give me a headache when I lay down for too long.
R dragged me out for a bracing walk today across the moor. The first 15 mins were nice, bracing, fresh. Then I got tired and I felt like a dog being taken for a walk. And because there were cows on the moor it was a walk through cow shit. I'm such a bitch. He was really trying.
One of the other side effects of chemo is constipation (which I will skirt over because I'm squeamish, never mind anyone else). First I was; now thanks to an overdose of over the counter meds I'm not. Yuk. End of.
Oh, and I'm still having bloody hot flushes. Half the time I'm sweating, the other half shivering uncontrollably.
My boob is sore. My arm is sore. The point of breast conserving surgery was, if I'm honest and shallow, sexual. I couldn't contemplate being sexually active with one boob for the year I would have to wait for reconstructive surgery. Lumpectomy was the right choice for me; I still think this. BUT. Now I'm terrified something will come back. The 2nd lump is still there. Despite reassurances I can't be convinced it isn't a 2nd tumour. It is making me feel as if I still have cancer (officially I don't) and that my remaining life is limited (more on this in a moment). Also, my boob is hard. Around the surgery, fair enough. To be expected and I expect it will get better. But it is also hard elsewhere. A haematoma officially. At 4am I think it is fast cancer spread. Oh, I know I'm nuts, OK. Please don't enlighten me.
The things that really piss me off and hurt about possibly only having a few years left to live are: I don't want to spend them feeling ill from treatment, I want to see my grandchildren, I want to do more teaching and to a lesser extent (not essential) I want to go and work abroad.
A bonus from cancer is that I will never again bemoan my age on my birthday. I hope I get to become one of those really irritating old people who brag about how old they are ( I GET it now). Also, cancer has cut across my existential angst and shown me what's important. My daughter, family, friends, work. And I think that's about it.
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