131. Round two

So I’ve calmed down a lot after I’s visit.  It isn’t gone but I’m moving forwards.  There is a lot of talk in the cancer forums about how partners cope.  Men often find it very hard to cope.  I’ve talked to friends.  One thinks that her partner would be the same.  Great in the initial crisis but afterwards…  Another thinks that R really does care but just always manages to say the wrong thing.  Another still, a cancer friend, thinks that only someone that’s been through it really gets it.  Her partner is lovely, went to all appointments but still doesn’t understand her fears and worries.   

So I’m not hating him or anything, just adding these things up in my head:   

1)  When I found the lump, he didn’t leave the pub to come to see me but made me wait until he left at the usual time.   

2)  Doesn’t come to the appointments with me anymore.   

3)  Resents what the treatment has done to my body and uses it against me in an argument.            

Dinner time.  I’ve cooked something that we can both eat while I’m sticking to my diet.  We’re sharing a bottle of red wine.  We’re laughing, enjoying (?) the food and each others company.  The wine relaxes me and I mention how upset his comment made me.  He point blank refuses to discuss it, tells me he’s not going to talk about it.  Then he goes on to tell me how I do this to him in an argument (I do, because he will argue round and round for hours).   

Dinners over for me.  The evening is over too.  I don’t get up and slam out because I do that a fair bit and it’s always just seen as me overreacting.  We finish eating.  He chats away but I don’t join in.  Clearing up there isn’t any conversation.  I read the paper, he goes to watch the news, then I read my book.  My bedtime is early so I can get away from him.  When he comes to bed he initially cuddles me and asks if I’m OK.  What the fuck is the answer to that one?  Yes, despite cancer and future bodily mutilation I’m OK.  You, despite your health, are a selfish pig.