157. And again

I managed to leave things with I a couple of days.  But its there.  It’s in my mind the whole time.  I had a nightmare about it last night.  And I’m simmering.  I talked to R about it but he’s a bloke.  Doesn’t understand.  He knows I’m upset and tries to help but he really doesn’t get the complexities of my relationship with my daughter.  Neither of us are easy women.   

Eventually I text her.  Just a simple question mark.  She replies relatively politely that she has a day off next week so will book an appointment for then.  I reply asking if she wants me to go with her.  No.  She’s hurt and resentful that I stopped having any contact with her.  She’s VERY upset about the death of the step dad of one of her flatmates yesterday.  He had cancer (lymphoma) and was on chemo although I really didn’t know the details.  I is not good with death (is anyone?).  She had several bereavements in one year, 6 years ago and ended up having a nervous breakdown over it.  It makes total sense that she’d be finding it very hard to deal with.   

I DO really get that she’s scared about getting herself checked because of my cancer.  Knowing about the genetic link is horrific for her.  Huge breasts and young and healthy but knowing that she may have a ticking time bomb in her.  AND then a bad smear and something that needs looking into.  I get it.  It’s terrifying.  And our relationship seems to break down under any stress.  Which is really horrible.   

Please god, please let her go next week.  Please.