3 days...
The absolute worst thing about this (well, probably not really but...) is the looming sense of disaster or threat in the background of EVERYTHING I do. Movies; fear. Cooking; fear. Reading; deferred fear that slams back when I come to, every few moments.
I can rationalise the threat. Most women survive, actually the worst that I really should be worried about is a mastectomy, not much longer to wait. I can even rationalise dying; we all do it in the end, no worry about pensions (and this actually WOULD be a plus - bloody polititicians in a supposed welfare state have a lot to answer for when the option of dying from cancer HELPS remove the pension worry), I've actually got some money to leave I, as well as finding her a replacement parent that she loves and would probably be better for her than I am. But at the root of everything I can condition myself into is fear. It's shit. It is tainting everything I do.
No comments:
Post a Comment