This morning, got up sluggishly, because I was stressed last night and took a tranquiliser, so therefore wasn’t functioning well. I don’t like taking them but when I’m worrying about the cancer I can’t sleep. If I’m at R’s, he is very restless at night now; linked or not I don’t know, but it makes my sleep even worse.
ANYWAY, couldn’t shower because of the dressing so again, washed. Facing the mirror, felt the lump. Now two again. &*9)+*????? This morning, I chose to see this as good. If it's fluid/blood, it will change and alter. By this evening however, I’m faltering again. I just wish it would go away. I’m at the point now, that if they tell me it’s a haematoma/seroma, I’d really like it drained. Not that what I want will make any difference. Treatment is set despite the patient’s wishes.
This evening my mum also phoned. I saw two missed calls on the phone so called her back. I have to be honest, I dread it. The tone of her voice, her lack of tact about how she asks me and doesn’t work her way up to it. The cancer is top of my list, but what I REALLY need from others is some normality. R is really good at this, and surprisingly, at the moment, so is I. They both just carry on, focusing on the now of daily life, which is a real relief. When I talk to my mum, I feel forced to support HER and to reassure HER. Really, really not fair. I’m certain I’m not a selfish person usually. I have no problem putting my own stuff aside to support others or empathising with how they feel. I can imagine how my poor mother feels; having a child with cancer must be awful. I don’t even want to THINK about I getting it. But right now, its me that has it and me that has to be brave. I’m waking up at night, scared I’m going to die; scared I’ll have to have a mastectomy. I really don’t think its unreasonable to expect my mother to try to be supportive of me right now. This makes me really fear another aspect of my mortality. If the fear of dying from cancer isn’t enough (the pain and suffering makes me sweat with fear) but I’ve also got to consider how I will help others with how they feel about it. I don’t resent having to do it for I. She’s my child and I expect to have to do it for her.
This really is just a wholly shitty situation. All I really want is to teach and live a modest life. WHY is this so much to ask?
Results day tomorrow. Is there any fucking wonder I’m going nuts?
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