27. One step forwards, several back

Tuesday. 5 days post op. GCSE results day.

I’m still at home so I got up early, to get in to school for 9am. This day has been my target and what I’ve looked forward to, throughout all of the nightmare. I had my first shower. BLISS! While I was drying my hair I left my bra off, which meant I looked at my boob. Which led to feeling it. And time stopped. Another lump.

No thoughts other than terror.

I tried to go to school but while I was driving I started crying. Not only was I not up to going to school but I couldn’t drive. I was going past R’s so instead I turned the car around and went to his. Entry one, two months ago, repeated. Tears. Terror.

I sent S a message explaining I couldn’t come in. Not a problem obviously, but then she started sending me messages telling me how some of my kids had done. Not a total distraction but a bit. And then she phoned, giving me lots more info. The more I knew, the more I wanted to be there to see them. So R drove me in. It wasn’t the joyous day it should have been and it really should have been because nearly all of my pupils had done really well. This FUCKING cancer. But at least I went and at least I saw them.

Later on, I phoned the breast care nurse line. Three times with no reply. I was becoming hysterical so I phoned the consultants secretary. She said she’d speak to him and get back to me. Eventually the breast care nurse phoned back. She tried to reassure me but it didn’t help really. She said I could be examined when I went for my follow up appointment next Tuesday (WAITING another week again. Am I waiting to die really?!) but that I’d have no more scans or mammograms. I feel like I’m dying again.