The week I was diagnosed I decided I would go back into work on Friday. By Thursday night it was becoming very apparent that I was in no fit state to do this. I was still very weepy and the thought of being in control of 30 kids was WAY beyond my capability. I felt really guilty about it, but at least recognised my limitations.
By Saturday, I started to come to a little. I’d had a LONG chat with S and had worked out practicalities about my daughter. She was my main concern, in the same way she had been 20 years before when I’d found a lump (blocked sweat gland) in my armpit, near my breast. Obviously, as a 25 year old, my concerns for her were different. While she works and lives independently, she is on an exceptionally low income (which I subsidise) and while living with two lovely gay blokes, she has an insecure tenancy because the boys are behind with the mortgage and are frequently worried about losing the house.
So my concerns were practical, in relation to her financial security AND emotional. She’s very shaky, emotionally, suffering huge mood swings and being quite immature. She didn’t want to leave home and is still resentful about my leaving East Anglia, despite having had the option of coming with me.
Not being too close to her dad, I was worried that she’d have no one to turn to in the event of my death, which was becoming a possibility. Thank god for S. There really wasn’t anyone else that came to mind, to support her in my absence. She loves him as much as I do and he actually sees past her stroppy, messy angry immaturity and likes and appreciates her. It may have been unfair, asking him to step in upon my demise, but he said he would, instantly, without thinking. She would go to live with him because he couldn’t deal with being responsible for her while she was living so far away. He also said G, his partner, loved her as much as he did.
Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. He hasn’t changed his opinion or faltered at all in his commitment. Again, I’m at a loss for words. Her own dad didn’t ever give her that sort of love or concern and I’m so grateful S is there.
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