I've found another lump. Attached to the first lump. At least I think I have. I'm too scared to feel again. IF there is another lump, it has grown in the time I've been waiting, helplessly, impotently, for my NHS operation. It's almost 2 months since I found the lump in the first place. Common sense tells me that this is FAR too long to wait, despite the reassurances of the nurse and the consultant ('it's probably been there a year'). Of course, I've thought I've found a 2nd lump before AND I know my boobs change, depending on the time of the month (I think I'm premenstral at the moment, I've lost track). And of course my op. is now just over a day away. So I'm stressed to fuck and scared.
But now I'm fucking angry. The NHS/state is able to take risks with my life. It's ridiculous. I'm 45. I'm too young to be facing death like this. Two months is a ridiculous amount of time to have to live with it. Not that it will be over after the op. I'll still have to wait to see if it has spread and IF it has, I'll then have to wait again to have a mastectomy. Pretty inhumane. I think I'm going to have to talk to the doctor about some valium because I feel pretty close to the edge now...
I'm getting to the point where I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the news that I'll also need a mastectomy because I'm becoming certain that that will be the case. I'm starting to have a nasty feeling that I may be told that despite treatment, it may end up being terminal.
I really can't believe that 2 months ago, the only thing I had to worry about was writing a scheme of work for school, sorting coursework and booking a holiday. This is someone else's life and it is shit.
Oh yeah. Pre-assessment yesterday. It was OK. I started off terrified but it wasn't too bad. Lots of waiting around. Tests. Examinations. My veins disappeared, so taking blood was a problem. Ace. I've always had really prominent veins. Great time to get shy, right before chemo starts and frys them completely.
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